How to stop thinking about other people’s opinions?

If you ever struggle with what others think about you, that means you’re completely a normal human being. Fear of other people’s opinions is widespread. It’s one of the most common human traits we inherit from our ancestors. I have been listening to lots of Michael Gervais’s work recently and was able to think through it further. Fear of other people’s opinions is largely tied to the need to be part of something bigger than yourself.

We all keep seeking outside validation. It’s inherited.

If you observe people and how we behave closely, we always try to do things in groups, feel good about being in a team, or a larger community, driven towards a specific purpose. This is also probably why we love our old boy’s associations in schools and colleges, and we join certain clubs, societies, and communities. It makes us feel safer, prouder, and braver. This is how humans are wired to behave. We used to be in tribes before and during the agricultural revolution. Being part of the tribe meant a lot. It meant that you were safe, you wouldn’t starve to death, your offspring would survive, and generally, your life was better off.

As a result of this age-old behaviour of thinking patterns, we still value the relevance of ourselves within a given community. It may be your office, your neighbourhood, or your colleagues, but we always keep seeking others’ validation. We’re always afraid of their opinion about us. We always fight to make things right and good about us.

Press enter or click to view image in full size. We always value being a part of a group

You can’t stop thinking about other people’s opinions

When you think about it, the fear of people’s opinions is a can of worms. The more you dig towards it, the worse it gets. It’s a dead end. You will unlikely find solace in thinking about other people’s opinions. As obvious as it sounds, when you wrap yourself in a multitude of life problems, you will face such situations. The difficulty in managing this is, that you don’t have this philosophical overview of life when you’re drowned in problems.

Anyway, a lot of Michael Gervais’s podcasts lead to one way to escape the fear of people’s opinions, FOPO. That is to work towards a bigger purpose. Whatever we engage in life, if we do have a bigger purpose that supersedes other people’s opinions, that is a brilliant getaway plan.

I went through this during multiple workplaces I have been a part of. I always found it challenging to manage the expectations of other people because I was too afraid of their opinions. I kept struggling with the fact that a simple mistake I would do, will scar the opinion they had towards me and my work ethic.

I fought so hard sometimes to make things right, eventually understanding I was chasing a shadow. The struggle never ended. It just kept jumping from one problem to another. And the biggest issue with the fear of people’s opinions is that it’s not the actual people’s opinions that you’re afraid of.

You’re afraid of your imagination and what you think other people will think about you.

And that’s why it’s a never-ending downward spiral. You keep digging in the hole that never sees the bottom.

Press enter or click to view image in full size. If you start thinking about what all these people are thinking about you, the possibilities are endless. It’s a never-ending crisis.

So how do we stop worrying?

The purpose of what we do is something we always tend to forget when we dive into the details of the work we do. For example, if we’re at work, we rarely ask ourselves, what’s our purpose in doing this work?

A main purpose could be delivering your knowledge and experience to improve things, building your career, gaining more experience, and learning something from work every day. This is what you should keep your focus on. Not about what my boss thinks about me if I say this or that. When the purpose drives you, the direction is more solid, the higher the chance is for you to progressively improve, rather than being tossed around by multiple different opinions.

And there could be core purposes if you’re passionate about your work, say, you really want to build products that change people’s lives, and you truly believe in the products and services you help create. These are really powerful instances, and you will always thrive if you can relate to such an example. Because you believe in the higher purpose of what you build and provide through your knowledge and experience, and this is much more powerful than anyone’s opinion about you.

This approach helped me drive difficult conversations with my peers and make sure we drive our technical implementations in the right direction. It helped me reason out some of my own judgements, challenge my own opinions, and look at the bigger picture more objectively.

Press enter or click to view the image in full size

Try to spend time reflecting on your purpose. This doesn’t have to be your life purpose. It could be a contextual purpose to your work, your family, your hobbies, etc. Make sure the purpose is clear. It will be much easier to leave people’s opinions where they should be.

Let me know what you think in the comments.